Joking About Donald Trump Having Sex With Men Isn’t Anti-Gay

I would like to thank Andrew Kahn for curing my writer’s block.

Humor can, does, and must, exist independent of socjus concerns.

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Writer’s block is a funny thing. Not due to the difficulty of inspiration: most writers have far more worthwhile ideas they’ll do nothing with in a year than their total number of ideas good or bad they’ll have actually used in a lifetime. The funny part comes when you’ve been desperate to come up with something to write about that hasn’t already been exhausted in the recent collective consciousness of whatever sphere you consider your own; and, after getting halfway through a piece that just barely touches your standard of acceptability, you open up some recent material from whatever news source is most technologically convenient to access in your era, and inspiration strikes you so perfectly you toss out whatever crap you’ve been working on and pump out something you actually feel happy about with no effort or struggle beyond that of your usual writing routine.

For me, that happened when I opened Slate this afternoon to see a lament that people were making jokes about Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin having sexual intercourse because of America’s “weaponized bigotry.” In the words of the Slate editor who greenlit Andrew Kahn’s piece and clickbait-ified the title for publication, “our worst villains must be gay.”

Something happened to the World after the Mayan Apocalypse. In all previous years of history, the humor behind fat old men with terrible haircuts having sex with anyone never had to be qualified to check against bigotry. There are hundreds of millions of humans alive today, and billions from Mankind’s history, who were always comical creatures in sexual matters. There are examples for this across all sexes, races, and attractions that have existed or will exist; and to suggest merely because some among those number have been the victims of bigotry and persecution, these groups should be spared all jokes that could be interpreted as an attack on them personally is the kind of compassion only the deliberately stupid or sociopathically cynical could advocate.

This applies just as much to those belonging to oppressed groups in their lifetime as it does to people in the case of Trump and Putin who are merely being mocked via the suggestion that they’re among such folk. D.C. Mayor Marion Barry was caught on tape with a crack pipe and a crack whore. J. Edgar Hoover left his estate to Clyde Tolson, his “best friend” of nearly half a century, and the same man that draped the flag over the coffin at Hoover’s funeral. Michael Jackson, gay and black, launched a lifelong propaganda campaign to convince the world of his heterosexuality, culminating in 1994 when MTV broadcasted the least romantic kiss in the history of television at the Music Video Awards between Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley, his wife at the time wife. I’m sure there were and are plenty of David Dukes who laughed uproariously at all three of those developments. That still doesn’t make these examples any less humorous, nor the quest to purge the mind of unacceptable comedic reactions any less tantamount to crimestop.

Lastly, the greater sin of Kahn’s article is not anything I’ve already mentioned, nor even the insult to his readers intelligence at the end of the piece when he offers them his quarter-assed I don’t think most people who make jokes about Trump being gay are personally homophobic apology — itself immediately followed by Kahn’s I do sense something peculiar qualifier, like he was trying for weasle-word bingo in writing this article. The real damage that can and will be done when crying before hurting becomes both socially acceptable and an effective method of problem solving is that the least scrupulous among us will find problems in all places of any, or no, validity and will use this public consciousness shift to abuse as many people they dislike as they possibly can. They will do so unceasingly, and do so regardless of whether the problem they complain about is even something they actually oppose. In fact, as those who remembered the recent kerfuffle Stephen Colbert had with the F.C.C. for homophobic remarks towards a public servant would know, that’s exactly what President Donald Trump and his acolytes have already done.

Nevermind. It’s already too late.

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O.R. Welles is a freelance writer of aspiring notoriety and financial compensation. He can be found nowhere particularly important, just the way he likes it.

Donald Trump’s Violent Demise Just Isn’t Funny Anymore

If only Nancy Pelosi would finally have a stroke.

Why it was much funnier before the election.

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On September 23rd, 2015, Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s South Park aired what might very well be the meanest punchline ever broadcast on American television at the climax of the season 19 episode “Where My Country Gone?”. South Park Elementary teacher and noted sexual deviant Herbert Garrison, upon finally losing his patience with the massive influx of Canadian immigrants in his homeland, vows to invade America’s Northern Neighbor and personally fuck every last Canadian to death. His quest impeded by the unexpected construction of a Canadian Great Wall, Mr. Garrison decides his best option is to be catapulted over Niagra Falls from the New York side to the Ontario side so his quest of sexual genocide can begin.

It nearly kills him, but being a cartoon character, Garrison is able to survive the stunt, make his way to Ottowa wearing only a singlet, and reaches their capitol building to find Canada a wasteland: the population fleeing after electing a disastrously stupid and cruel unnamed man with terrible hair to lead the nation. Garrison finds the creature grooving to “The Safety Dance” flanked by only two security officials, neither of whom intervene as the two men start a wrestling match, even after Garrison gets the upper hand and removes his singlet. . . .

. . . Garrison keeps his word, and it was the funniest ending to any TV episode in history.

So what makes the recent Kathy Griffin and Johnny Depp shenanigans different? Why does “Where My Country Gone?” still hold up while the severed mannequin head died on the vine?

It certainly wasn’t the fact that Stone and Parker didn’t actually mention Donald Trump by name. Charles Foster Kane was a less obvious stand-in for William Randolph Hearst. Nor was it the acts obscenity. Griffin and Depp combined weren’t remotely as offensive as a man getting raped to death. Nor is it the prestige of the Office of Presidency. Donald Trump was born a smug, stupid, Yankee choad who will die a smug, stupid, Yankee choad; and will remain as such every moment of his unwanted life in between those points. No position of any kind is prestigious enough to bring value to such a worthless occupant. If a man like Donald Trump were revealed to be the Messiah; all members of the World’s Abrahamic faiths would become Dharmists or Communists.

No. The difference between even as short a timespan as 2015 and 2017 is, even with the meanest mockery of any political candidate by both the U.S. mainstream media and the average American citizen, Donald J. Trump still got what he wanted and those who had a meaningful chance at preventing otherwise made all the wrong moves to stop him, when they bothered trying at all. There’s room for neither joy nor heroics when those who stand up to the evil and stupid are dishonest and cruel the whole way to the battle only to belly-flop their way to failure upon meeting their adversary.

The mainstream media of the United States, for all the remarkably brutal jokes they’ve made at Trump’s expense before and after 2016, always gave him a free platform worth untold millions with their coverage of him because Trump was a celebrity who drew good ratings in places viewers otherwise ignored. All unscripted. All cheap. Only once he’d completely destroyed all opposition to him running next to an ‘R’ rather than a ‘D’ was his persona actually looked at critically by the likes of CNN’s detestable president and longtime Trump suck-up Jeff Zucker. Only once he threatened her political ambitions did Hillary Clinton call out the detestable past racist actions of the man whose third wedding she attended with a smile.

The average American, even those who know Donald Trump deserves every insult ever thrown at him, also knows the 2016 Election and the media disaster surrounding it was never about standing up to the evil and powerful. Donald Trump could’ve been eviscerated and marginalized long before his famous escalator ride if the media did their jobs properly from the beginning rather than fatten themselves off advertising revenue and increased subscriptions from Trump’s three-ring circus. The mainstream media in America hates Donald Trump because they couldn’t stop him from gaining power the one time they actually tried to fight against him rather than for him.

The Secret Service puts an eye out on anybody who jokes about killing the President regardless of the President or the threatener’s individual morality. As they should. The preservation of institutional and democratic norms in countries that actually have institutions worth preserving is more important than the consequences of a terrible leader who still has to live with meaningful checks and balances. Americans have multiple mechanisms to dispose of bad officials both before and after they become a problem, but those who could’ve meaningfully helped to stop this fiasco before it happened have no right to act like members of the Rebel Army when they were to incompetent to perform their civic duties for at least a generation. This is a temper tantrum, and those throwing it are getting exactly what they deserve.

Pity instead the rest of Humanity, who suffers at their side.

Russia’s Islamist Problem

Capitulation to Islamofascism is not just a Western problem.

No one should forget: Vladimir Putin’s best friend is an Islamic Terrorist.

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The as of now speculative death of Caliph Ibrahim at the hands of a Russian airstrike on May 28th, if true, should rightfully be celebrated by any human being who values their soul. Abu Bakr al-Bagdadi orchestrated mass rape, enslavement, genocide, torture, and Sharia with the help of Sadaam Hussein’s former goon squad of rapists, murderers, torturers, and final-solutionists. It’s no exaggeration to say Bagdadi was the leader of the most vile country on the planet, and considering his competitors include Eritrea and North Korea, that shouldn’t have been possible.

It’d be wonderful if his deserved demise happened May 28th, it’d be far better had the bastard died earlier; and if it hasn’t happened yet, all worthwhile human beings should pledge to insure it happens as soon as possible. Wretched as the Russo-Syrian alliance is, their forces being the ones to do what should’ve been done years ago would not diminish the act itself being a net positive for Planet Earth.

Likewise, just because he helped kill the World’s worst human being, Vladimir Putin should be neither forgiven nor forgotten for not only supporting and empowering a family of Islamic terrorists in his own homeland, but for using said family to secure supreme power for himself.

Chechnya, one of eighty-odd subjects in the Russian Federation, waged a brutal war for independence upon the collapse of the Soviet Union in the early 90s. The conflict helped destroy Russian democracy before it could even get started, and irreparably embarrassed the entire Russian military. Vladimir Putin, who came to power in ’99, helped bolster his image by waging a victorious second war with Chechnya that lasted nearly a decade. Putin figured the best way to attain such a victory was by getting the Chechen fighters themselves on his side under the condition of letting them have their way with the tiny republic as long as they pledged unquestioned loyalty to Putin himself. Putins interests coincided with that of Chechnya’s Grand Mufti — one Akhmad Kadyrov, who calculated the alliance as the best means for preserving Chechen culture and the only reliable counter to Wahhabi ideology available to him — and thus Putin finally had an acceptable choice of leader for the unstable subdivision.

Or so the plan was before Akhmad Kadyrov’s assassination by a suicide bomber seven months into his presidency back in 2004.

He was officially succeeded by a Kazakh police officer named Alu Alkhanov, but that was a legal formality. In truth, Chechen leadership fell to Kadyrov’s only living son, Ramzan (Akhmad’s eldest son Zelimkhan was a drunken failure who died under unknown circumstances shortly before his father’s assassination.). He merely had to wait until he was out of his twenties before assuming the role officially in 2007, whereupon Arkhanov attained a comfortable post as a Deputy Justice Minister of Russia.

Putin sees the affair as his greatest success, and struck up a close friendship with Ramzan upon his father’s murder. In many ways, Ramzan has become the son Putin never had, and Putin has become the father Ramzan so brutally lost. Russian money gets kickbacked to Chechnya to build skyscrapers and palaces, Chechen soldiers carry out missions the Russian government doesn’t want to be tied to, Gazprom conducts secure business in Chechen oil fields, and no one complains unless they wish to wind up in a bodybag.

Chechnya may be Russia’s closest ally and Ramzan Kadyrov may be like a son to Vladimir Putin, but the country’s unquestionably the biggest liability in the entire federation. Kadyrov’s had Putin opponents killed without Putin’s permission, killed his own opponents in places as far flung as Austria, has brought Sharia into his fiefdom at the defiance of Russian federal law, supports honor killings and polygamy and mandatory headscarves as well as banning alcohol, and his recent crackdown on homosexuality is downright Third-Reichian in nature. It’s not surprising that a man who fought in his father’s army in the name of Jihad on Western Civilization in general and Russia in particular would engage in such behavior, but to do so with full support and approval from a leader of a country where more than eighty percent of the population is Christian or Atheist within said country’s own borders is an unprecedented capitulation even the likes of Jeremy Corbyn have not surpassed.

Those who call out European and American hypocrisy on Islam don’t have to take back their justifiable disgust. Vladimir Putin’s support of Sharia within his own borders doesn’t make Western alliance with Saudi Arabia and Turkey less disgusting, nor the security officials who ignore signs of terrorism for fear of being labeled racist any less indefensible. But the kool-aid drinkers of the alt-right looking up to Putin as the man standing tough against Islam are just as delusional as the cuckolded lefties pretending the men with prayer bumps and machine guns massacring civilians have nothing to do with the religion they devoted their lives to just because their ancestors were colonial subjects in the previous century.

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O.R. Welles is a current writer and aspiring independently-wealthy writer who covers whatever he damn well pleases on his WordPress page oharrwelles.com, and anywhere else with the stones to run his pieces. He can be found copy editing, if he knows what’s good for him.